Asking Eric: She said she didn’t care if I never spoke to her again then she called to say, ‘I love you’

DEAR ERIC: A few months ago, a close friend and I got into a disagreement over text. This is a person that tends to be rude and quite vile to anyone they disagree with, but we’ve never had this issue. Though I tried to maintain the conversation, she said that she didn’t care if I got mad nor did she care if I never spoke to her again.
For a few months I didn’t talk to her. She called me once and said, “I just want to tell you that I love you!” and hung up. A few more weeks went by, and she called to ask me a question. I answered her question, and she went into talking as if nothing had ever happened. I cut the conversation short then.
I told her that people don’t talk to me in that fashion; that’s not the behavior of a friend. We agreed we’d move on from there. I still don’t like her, though.
Our conversation is strained. I like to get off the phone as soon as possible. I don’t like the stress of it, and I don’t think it’s fair to her either. How do you cut off a strained relationship without causing more harm?
– Former Friend
DEAR FRIEND: While it can be uncomfortable, it’s ultimately healthy to tell friends the truth about their behavior and the way it affects you. You have already made great strides in that direction by setting a boundary in your relationship. Saying “I don’t want to be spoken to like that” is not causing harm. It sounds like your friend has harmful tendencies of her own when it comes to how she treats friends. It’s manipulative and shuts down communication.
Parts of your disagreement are still unresolved. You’re allowed to say that. Tell her it still doesn’t sit right with you and the friendship feels strained now. You can suggest taking a break or you can ask her “how can we make this right?” But you don’t need to be dragged into another contentious conversation.
From her behavior after the initial fight – the “I love you” call, pretending nothing happened – it seems she doesn’t fully understand the consequences of her actions. Hopefully, this conversation will be a wakeup call for your friend and prompt her to do some self-examination.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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